(audience howling)
- [Man] I'm so hard right now!
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
- Fuck yeah, dude, fuck yes!
(crowd cheering)
Welcome to Drinkin' Bros!
Welcome to fucking Drinkin' Bros!
(rock music)
- Hey, look at that, we're on the same marquee list.
The Rippingtons.
- This is what happens when Jarred
drinks too many France press.
- I just poured the first France press,
hoping to tackle about five of these tonight.
- Yeah, dig it!
- We've been on this tour for 36 hours.
- Oh, God, it feels like forever.
- What you want from me, man?
- I've had like eight whiskeys and none of that.
- Hold on to your butts.
(honking)
- We're going to get thrown out of this bar.
- We've got a tradition with our fat-bottom girl.
He likes to come out and sing
the National Anthem before we get started.
(audience cheering)
Please put your hands together for Jarred "Cat Puke" Taylor.
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
Jarred has asked to sing the National Anthem
to open up the Live Shows.
- I want to keep it super pure,
just hit clean notes and keep it
within the range, don't go crazy with all the vibrato.
- Dude, you mess that up, you go down
as a shit show the rest of the night.
- I think I got it.
I was gonna go turn on the fucking system and practice this.
- [Ross] Is that mic on?
- [Jarred] Yeah.
- Ladies and Gentleman, let's get ready to rumble!
That's how I do mic checks.
(laughs)
- Are we gonna rise for this?
(audience cheering)
k O say can you see
k By the dawn's early light
k What so proudly we hail'd
k At the twilight's last gleaming
k Whose broad stripes and bright stars
k Through the perilous fight
k O'er the ramparts we watch'd
k Were so gallantly streaming
k And the rocket's red glare
k The bombs bursting in air
k Gave proof through the night
k That our flag was still there
k O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
k O'er the land of the free
k And the home of the brave
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Drinkin' Bros and where did it get started.
- Across the board, anybody that knows,
Jarred is the ideas man.
- He invented Drinkin' Bros.
He started it and any podcasts
and all that stuff is because of him.
- Jarred comes up with a hundred ideas a day.
- I wanna take my life savings in cash to a garage door
and then leave it in some rear view.
- I'm constantly trying to figure out
which one of these is a legitimate idea.
- And then jump into a wood chipper
with the eggs of goose all over the cash.
- 99 of those are fucking bad, one is good.
- So you guys are all gonna scream to get the cash.
- He said we should do a podcast,
it's really what's doing well right now
on social media and all those things.
- Yeah, I just figured we needed
to get something ready before the movie
came out, so there were other avenues
that when people started looking us up,
we had all the stuff in place.
- I disagreed with Jarred back in the day
because it was like we don't really have
a good moderator, someone that could really drive the show.
- Look, we've all had nights in college
where we tried a dick.
Is that going to-
Did we go to far?
- No, that was the best interview of the night, actually.
- I'm sorry, did you say something to me at Wendy's?
Hi, how are you?
- We had just finished working on
Range 15 together, we had all become really good friends.
- So they were like, hey man,
you should probably be in this podcast.
- And I was like, man, I think I can
be your missing piece in this.
- Immediately, it made sense, I said let's do it.
- This podcast is for everybody
who believes in drinking, fighting and fucking.
If you don't believe in those things
then this podcast isn't for you,
you should probably shift over to Lena Dunham's.
I'll be the first one to tell you,
I didn't think Drinkin' Bros was
a legitimate idea when he told me.
- I thought it would be a cute, little,
fun podcast with Ross and his friends.
- Yeah, I kind of pushed everybody,
I was like all right, let's just tape one
and see how it goes.
And we all got together, shot one
and it was fucking awesome.
- The first episode, not really.
We still, the jury was out, I guess.
- You don't really know what you're doing
when you start off.
It's these shitty mics, we were
getting trashed, especially Jarred.
Jarred was getting real hammered.
- It's really just us talking about shit
that we really want to talk about anyway.
We're just recording it and putting it out.
- To step away for an hour block
a couple times a week and you go
and you just sit and talk about dicks
and sex and drinking a beer, it's such
a free mindset to be like, I don't worry about
everything in the crazy environment of life,
I get to focus on my friends and that's what
is so brilliant about Drinkin' Bros
and we hope to spread that with other people.
- This homie, we fucking hug each other.
- And suck my--
what? - And touch each other.
(rock music)
- First, probably, 10 episodes,
it was like, yeah okay, I can see people listening to this.
- We saw the numbers started to rise.
There was starting to be 100,000 people listening,
and then 200,000 people, and three, four, five.
- I guess it's all history, man.
I don't think we expected it to turn into what it is.
- It's about 100 people outside
looking for tickets, they're adding more chairs.
- [Ross] Shut the fuck up.
We're gonna hold for 10 minutes,
there is 100 people outside and
more people want to buy tickets.
- You're bullshitting.
- No.
- Drinkin' Bros, let's go!
- [Group] Get off my dick!
(group cheering)
- Why did I scream my ass is on fire?
- To start the show, since we are in Colorado,
there is somebody that--
and I hate to get serious to start off the show,
but there's somebody that Jarred and I
want to dedicate tonight's show to
and that's JonBenet Ramsey.
(audience laughs)
She's Colorado's son or daughter
and we're still thinking about her today,
we're still thinking about her today.
If she were alive, she'd be up here
dancing with us right now with a cowboy hat on.
(man screams)
Is it too soon?
By the way, nah, it's been 20 years, it's been 20 years.
(audience laughs) (man yells)
I decided myself, you know what,
is Ross Patterson good enough to bring out
the group of men that you're about
to see now? (man yelling)
He's not, Ross Patterson is not good enough.
But you know who is?
(audience speaking)
Close, Morgan Freeman.
(audience cheering)
This is Jessie's lock screen right here all morning.
- I wonder why I have it.
- I have no idea.
And that's my warm-up for Morgan Freeman.
Oh yeah, that's it right there.
And then I'm ready.
First and foremost, we have the most
chin-teresting man in the world,
the man with the chips and salsa in his pocket.
(audience cheering)
The man who puts his dick inside
a flour tortilla before he has sex.
Vincent "Rocco" Vargas.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Next up, you might know him as Jarred,
brother fucks scared sister during tornado,
Mr. Cat Puke, Lord Hotdog,
he treats his children like lizards.
I'm talking about none other than Jarred Taylor.
(crowd cheering) (crowd applauding)
- I think you love this part.
- I do, so you know what's funny?
I love the whole lizard thing.
- Oh, boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Hey guys, I can only do this voice for so long.
Please don't interrupt me.
Last but not least, a man so beautiful,
butterflies masturbate when seeing him.
Cheekbones so high, Sylvester Stallone
would hope to climb them and cliff hang.
A man so beautiful, it'll probably turn you gay
at some point in the evening, we've all been there.
I'm not saying I've put the head in,
but I have put the head in when
he was sleeping and he does not know.
I'm talking about Matthew Best.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Hey guys, why don't we give the crowd
a nice song to start the show, shall we?
- [Jarred Taylor] Fine.
- [Mat Best] We could do that.
- How many guys are military in here, raise your hand.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
We can't see shit.
I'm completely fucking blind right now,
but hey, we know that you guys came here
to get fucked up, is that right?
(audience cheering)
- Are you gonna sing (singing)?
- I'm on three!
- So just because we know you guys
are gonna get fucked up, we're a little nervous about it.
So we wanted to--
- Know what, we're actually really fucked up ourselves.
The guy that took the audio for nine hours
while we were a little late,
we were drinking a lot, so...
- So we were trying to get ready for this,
but we've been drinking way too much,
so we're gonna give you a little bit
of a safety brief, how about that?
(audience cheering)
Am I slurring my speech already?
- This is a song about what you should
probably do instead of not do, I think.
Damn, you're a fucking handsome dude, Rocco.
- The light's got you right here.
- It's hurting my eyes.
- Oh, come on.
k I can tell you not to drink and drive
k But I know the history
k You getting a DUI
k Do you know how much paper work that is for me
k I really hate dealing with the MPs
k Looking at you Carl
k You're a prophet in a dirty world
k A betting man would say
k You're the one
k I'm looking at you
k Stupid look on your face
k Like you don't give a fuck
k I'm betting later
k We'll be pissing in a cup
k Safety brief
k Carl is gonna drink
k Safety brief
k We can't have nice things
k Safety brief
k I'm gonna watch you pee
k Safety brief
k Your safety brief
k Snorting coke off a stripper's butt
k Buying dances just to bust a nut
k Dancers will convince you
k To give them a ring
k Trying to get that paycheck
k On the first and 15th
k So don't marry the first one you see
k Chances are she's got HIV
k Charlie Sheen has AIDS
k Didn't have a safety brief
k Charlie Sheen has AIDS
k Now back to the grief
k The brief
k Brief k Brief
k k Brief
k Brief, brief, brief
k Back to the brief
k Fuck a brief
- Hey, hey, did you just file a formation?
Did you just fuck your niece?
- I can see right there, this is
getting into an argument with this guy.
- This guy?
Maddock!
k Two combatives loving guillotine
k Doesn't mean you fuck with UFC
k There's a reason why we take condoms with us
k Now all you need are the pin to cut them off
k She's got nice tits
k But she might have a dick
k It could be long
k And strong
k And tasty
What? Yuck, tasty?
Really?
Gross, get back to the bridge, Jesus.
k So if you want to Stacy
k Listen to our safety breast
k You can have fun and play
k If it's below 32
k It ain't gay
k Charlie Sheen has AIDS
k AIDS
k He's got AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
k He's got AIDS--
- [Crowd] AIDS, AIDS.
- Whoa, Whoa, whoa. - Hey, come on!
- Whoa, Whoa, guys, guys.
- Three times is okay.
- Jesus Christ, yeah, you don't
say AIDS more than three times.
- Yeah, keep it to three.
- What the fuck?
- They must be drunk.
- I can't, I can't even deal with that.
- Who's drunk right now?
(audience cheers)
- By the way, you should all be ashamed of yourself,
he's HIV positive, he does not have AIDS.
- He doesn't.
- But now he can't get two.
- WebMD texted me, they said we
have to cease and desist on that song.
- Yeah, so we got to end it.
WebMD, last time you'll ever hear that.
Last time you'll ever hear that.
- I fucking hate, hate performing live.
- Mat has never played live.
- You have all these people that are
actively judging the content that you're putting out.
- You're gonna go in front of a crowd?
- Jarred and Ross and Vince are natural stage performers.
So I'm going to piggy-back off their skills.
(clears throat)
- I drink hot tea.
- Rocco didn't practice with us.
- I've been listening to the songs
and I hope I'm familiar enough.
- Dude, you're gonna be the first to bomb.
(rock music)
- I think we need a new song that represents who we are.
- Well, we all have Godly of Guns.
- We have guns.
- Lots right there and dicks.
- We've got dicks.
k Yes, we do
- [Jarred Taylor] We've got dicks!
(singing)
- [Mat Best] Dicks and guns!
k I got dicks and guns
k I wanna suck one
- [Jarred Taylor] Bro, whoa!
- I'm sorry is that...
Because that felt like where the song was going.
- [Jarred Taylor] No, I mean--
- It wasn't going there?
- We don't know what the fuck we're doing.
We just kind of fucking wing it and you know what?
It's working and that's part of the beauty of it.
- Some of you might have known
from online, we had a little contest
called Glory Hole Tattoo.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
We had a slight problem with that.
All right, so we just got an email
from the Denver Police Department.
Our marketing director just received
a call from a Denver Detective
regarding tattooing at the venue.
You can't do tattoos at an establishment that serves liquor.
- [Female Audience Member] Fuck that!
- Yeah, fuck that.
I can't even see you, but I love you.
- Freedom!
- Well, we have a tattoo artist
that really wants to tattoo, so...
- [Ross Patterson ] What do we do to circumvent this?
- You would have to send him away from the area.
- [Jarred Taylor] We're gonna do it now,
before and then we'll reveal
- And then we reveal, that's the only way.
(rock music)
- My name's Will XX, I work at Blaque Salt Studios,
I'm a tattoo artist.
I've been tattooing for ten years now,
pretty much fresh out the military into tattooing.
(rock music)
I was tattooing Matt and I just threw out
this random idea for a surprise tattoo
and he dug it and said it would
be if it were part of the show.
And I was like I'm down for whatever, man.
- It's going down, this is actually going down.
- I'm always down for whatever.
- I said can I not do it anywhere in the venue,
but how about the parking lot?
"Don't do it anywhere, we're gonna send cops."
We took a van over to a Safeway,
the Safeway across the street!
(audience cheering)
(rock music)
- Everything is so MacGyver today.
- That's the beauty and magic of it.
- It seemed like a once and a lifetime opportunity.
I had already planned on coming to the show
and I was like what better way
to make it more memorable than
to try to get a tattoo glory hole going? (laughs)
- I know my husband's crazy, but I love him just the same.
(rock music)
- Chris Wylie, please come on stage,
and our tattoo artist, Will.
- Where is Will?
- There he is.
- There we go, there we go.
- Chris has absolutely no idea
what this tattoo is.
- I'm very curious as to what it is.
- Will, if you would please reveal the tattoo,
this is the first time you're seeing it, right?
- Yep.
- Will is our tattoo artist and
the main sponsor for Black Rifle Coffee Office,
so we're excited what he drew up here.
- Boy, how nervous are you about it,
on a scale of one to Aaron Hernandez?
- I think I was Bill Cosby going to trial.
- Oh shit!
- All 52, All 52! - Full circle, Full circle!
- So you're hung then, you're hung is what you're saying.
- What have we got, what do we got here?
- Don't look down, let the crowd see it, first.
And then we will get the reaction and go from there.
- All right, Will, let's see it!
What do we got, what do we got, Will?
- Drum roll, please!
(makes drum roll sound)
(cheering)
It's Harambe!
What we'd like it to be is a Harambe tattoo.
- Okay.
- I know I was like get a cool Drinkin' Bros one
and then he's like Harambe.
- That was a gorilla who gave his life
for this country, man.
You know something about sacrifice.
(laughs)
This song goes out to everyone
who's been pulling their dicks out for Harambe.
(audience cheering)
Rest in power, my brother, just know you're not forgotten.
k We're all Harambe
k All Harambe
k We're all Harambe
k All Harambe
k Why did it have to happen
k I remember the frightful day
k A mother left a child astray
k Down in Harambe's cage
k What were the parents thinking
k Those bitches
k When the child left their grasp
k Security pulled the trigger
k Who knew that branch would be his last
k Oh, bring him back
k Bring him back with gorilla glue
k Bring him back
k Bring him back with Gorilla glue
k Bring him back
k Bring him back with Gorilla glue
k Bring him back
k Bring him back with gorilla glue
This song goes out to everyone
who shouted it all out there on Harambe!
I feel like it's been a while since
you guys have had any pissed off streaks!
Harambe deserved better!
I feel you fucked him over!
You all have blood on your hands!
Nobody's perfect, at least not anymore,
it's not cool anymore!
You'd rather protesting at something!
You're not going to go to Berkeley
and get in a fight about something!
No one is thinking about Harambe!
- Bring him back.
- RIP Harambe.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
- I did actually go too far on that one.
I'm sorry, I loved the goddamn ape, all right?
I want him back.
I want him fucking back. - I wonder how angry
the Cincinnati zoo is.
- Yeah, I don't know.
- Just shut their turn down just because
we come fucking with them.
- They got mad.
- [Audience Member] Fuck them!
- Fuck them, but you know what, since I'm out here,
let's do a song for the crowd.
How about a love song?
Is there anybody that would like
a love song dedicated to them?
What's your name?
- Alan Patterson.
- Allan, shut the fuck up!
You've got the same last name as me?
- Alan, that's a great name.
- Maybe we should fuck and make a little baby.
- That'll be the greatest thing ever.
- We'd also never have to change our last names.
Where are you from, Alan?
- Iowa.
- [Ross Patterson] Iowa, big wrestling state.
Let's get on all fours together.
- What kind of music do you like, man?
- Lynyrd Skynyrd.
- Okay, okay, great.
- And your name was?
- Alan - Alan.
- Okay, cool
- [Ross Patterson] A nice love song for Alan.
k We should all butt-fuck Alan
k We should all--
- Nobody's butt-fucking Alan, no one is butt-fucking Alan!
- Why?
- He's a good-looking dude!
- Have you seen Alan, Alan's gonna be butt-fucking us!
This is a big man right here.
- He ain't complaining!
- This is a big man. Who else?
Is there anybody else, please?
Yes, you, you, you, you.
What's your name?
- John Matthew Irby.
- Wow, that's three names.
- Three strong names, John.
- [Ross Patterson] Man, that's like John Wayne Gacy.
- That's one of my soldiers, that's one of my soldiers!
- Three names is great, serial killers all have three names.
What kind of music do you like?
- I don't know if you've heard of them, Lincoln's Box Seats?
- I saw Mat do that.
- [Ross Patterson] I think we could do that.
- We can slow down a Lincoln's Box Seat.
- Yeah, slow it down, just think of nice love song for him.
- For John? - For John.
- [Ross Patterson] John, yeah, John.
- Aw, there it is.
- That's better, there we go.
k We should all butt-fuck John
- No, no, no one's fucking John.
We're not fucking John, either.
Why do you want to fuck somebody?
What about you, what's your name?
Let's find a girl, let's find a fucking girl.
We're not butt-fucking dudes.
What's your name, what's your name?
- Nika.
- Nika? - Nika, that's sexy.
- Nika or Mika?
- Mika with an M?
- Nika with an N.
- Oh shit, she sounds like a backup dancer
for Prince, I like it.
Supply kit, Nika.
All right, Nika, what kind of music
do you like to listen to?
- I go with the first one, Lynyrd Skynyrd.
- Okay, we can do that.
- Something slow.
- Now everybody, comedies in thirds,
I'm not gonna play the butt-fucking song.
My mother is here, hello mother,.
- Yes, Mrs. Best is here in the audience.
Stand up, Mama Best.
- [Mat Best] Yeah, embarrass the shit out of her.
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
- There she is, there's the pretty lady.
So hey, guys, with that being said,
your mom's in the crowd, we have a beautiful lady here,
just sing a nice love song for Nika.
- Nika?
- Yeah, Nika, Nika.
- There it is.
- [Ross Patterson] There its, that's a nice key.
k We both lie silent still
k in the dead of the night
k We should all butt-fuck Nika
k We should all k We'll fuck her
k We'll suck her
k We'll fuck her, suck her, send her home
k We'll fuck her
k We'll suck her
k We'll fuck her--
- I was really getting into that.
- [Ross Patterson] No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
We're not butt-fucking--
You're down with butt-fucking, letting us butt-fuck you?
Jesus, well, all right.
Well, meet them backstage, Nika.
(laughing)
Before this turns into a shit-show,
hey Chris, let's just start the fucking podcast.
- For sure, bro, let's fucking do it.
(rock music)
- I've listened to you guys since he beginning.
Like Too Buzzed to Air beginning.
- I watched y'all's movie last night, Ranch 15.
- I've watched their videos on Facebook
and Instagram and YouTube, and all their raps,
and I love all of them.
- Mat, man, holy fuck!
- Mat's like a hero to most of us that served,
so he's really famous in the military community.
- Mat, he's too hot, (laughs) sorry.
- These guys are awesome and everything that they do
and they want to do for the veteran community,
it speaks volumes to their character.
- It's just all-around good.
- Why is there a chair empty?
- I can't figure it out, someone told me
that Evan Hafer was gonna be here.
- Really?
(screaming)
(audience cheering)
- The classiest Drinkin' Bro, the classiest
of Drinkin' Bros.
- The anger just wasn't here, the anger was not here.
But you do know that we always
start our show with we are brought
to you by Strike Force Energy.
- Yeah!
- Yay, the Strike Force fairy!
(audience cheering)
(laughing)
- Making it rain, baby.
- You're making it rain!
- Make it rain, Strike Force.
- This looks like a campus huge strip club right now!
- There you go right there.
- Jack Hannibal, everybody, Jack Hannibal.
- Instead of a Gallagher show!
Ladies and Gentleman, Jack Manadivlle.
(upbeat southern rock)
- Did you get a fairy costume?
- Yeah, I'm gonna look like a real slut.
(upbeat southern rock)
I was drunk one night and I get in this Uber,
I'm like hey man, do have a 9/11 survivor discount?
And it really caught him off guard, he's like were you?
I'm like no, I was in Minnesota at the time,
but it really fucked me up, man.
(upbeat southern rock)
Do you have a 9/11 survivor discount?
- He didn't.
- No?
(clears throat)
- Thank you very much, sir.
- Jack, would you mind joining us
on stage, and can you bring a friend?
Can you bring Freedom Tits with you?
- Yeah. - We have a ghost bed
over there. - the audience needs
something to look at.
- If you can have a seat on that ghost bed
from ghostbed.com, that'd be great.
- Yeah.
- [Mat Best] Shameless as fuck.
(audience laughing)
- That would be amazing.
- That's one of those cracking beds.
- It is, it is.
So we were talking earlier about if you were cloned.
If you cloned yourself, would you suck your own dick?
This was, no shit, a conversation on the way over.
Jarred Taylor, I wanna hear what your honest answer was
because it was disgusting on the way over.
- No, it wasn't.
- What was the answer?
- Well, first off, you kept saying,
well, if you're cloned, it's same brain,
so it really just feels like you're
jerking off at that point.
- It's not true, that's not true.
- I asked you to--
- You're jerking off another human!
You're jacking off another human,
you can't jack off another human.
- I agree, I agree.
- The question is would you get violent with it?
- What? - Oh God!
Are you fucking serious?
(growling noise)
- No, I agree, I think it's...
If it's myself, I'd jerk it off.
- But would you suck your own dick?
- It's me.
- But you're not the clone, but you're not the clone!
- Wouldn't suck my own dick.
- Are you the clone?
- No, I think anyone who says they won't,
it's because they've never done.
- I've tried, we've all tried.
As a guy, we've all tried.
- Who's tried?
Who's tried?
- Yeah, we've all tried.
- But that, in itself, lies the true question.
It's not a matter of would you
suck the dick, it's would you swallow?
That's the real question. - Oh God, no.
- Because you imagine you suck yourself off
like oh, dude, yuck, fuck, you ate
fucking steak all day, eat some pineapple, dude.
- Ugh, ugh! - I would do either.
I couldn't suck my own dick.
- I like that over the shoulder,
like gotta get it going over here.
- What about you Evan, would you suck your own--
- I think there are clear rules here.
I think if it's a shared brain,
then it's you, you're masturbating.
If it's a separate brain, you're pretty gay.
- Yeah, but what about--
There's a girl with two heads that has two boyfriends.
- I know, that's what I'm saying!
- [Vincent Vargas] So what does that mean?
- If you're a Siamese twin--
- [Vincent Vargas] How does that work?
- You're a Siamese twin-- - [Vincent Vargas] How does
that fucking work, though? - You're sharing
a body, not a brain - Do they take turns, days?
- But I think she just wants to fuck two guys, is all it is.
She wants to fuck two guys, that way
she's got two boyfriends, that's it.
- That's dirty.
- [Audience Member] Two dicks, one hole.
- That's what I'm saying!
- Two dicks?
- Two-dick guy, two-dick dude on twitter!
- Two-dick dude! - Double-dick dude!
- Double-dick dude. - Yeah, like double-dick dude.
That guys fucking crazy.
Double-dick dude, that guy's got a gift.
- And that's a real thing.
- It's a gift and a curse.
It's a gift and a curse, really.
Now, if I can have another dick, I'd take another dick.
- Have you actually seen this?
He wrote, literally, a dissertation
why it's unattractive to females,
but gays and bis love double-dick.
Why do you think so?
- Who's talking to me?
- You would be really popular--
- Because you only have one hole to fill down there,
so the anatomy doesn't really resonate
with the thought process of that.
- That's true, it doesn't, it really doesn't.
I wouldn't want two dicks, that's too much responsibility.
You're jacking off multiple times a day, two different
dicks, that's a lot. - That's like having a dad
and a step-father, you don't know
who to call dad. - That's a lot to work with.
- Oh, did you get grossed out by that?
Is your boyfriend have a double-dick, is that why?
Does your ex-boyfriend have a double-dick?
You can be honest about it.
Kidding, if he doesn't, is he top or bottom?
Is he top or bottom?
Is he side-to-side?
(laughing)
- Side-to-side (laughs).
- If he's side-to-side, he's side-to-side,
that's totally fine.
- So is he like a sewing machine?
- If he's a sewing machine, he goes back and forth.
You go side-to-side, that's a nice thing.
- Interesting analogy.
- I'm really trying to figure that one out.
- I used to sew.
(laughing)
- Mr. Mom over here.
- You're Mexican, every Mexican sews.
- I think you got that confused with swim.
- We need to get back to Drinkin' Bros roots here.
What is Evan Hafer drinking right now
- Maker's.
Maker's and ice in a coffee mug, that's what I drink.
- That's solid, that's solid. (audience applauding)
- Which coffee mug, by any chance?
- It's actually a custom mug with my fucking name on it.
It says Hafer on the side, just in case.
Well, the whole story was that my mugs
keep getting fucking ripped off,
and so I was like you know what?
I'm gonna make either the ugliest mugs
so nobody rips it off, or I'm gonna put my name on it.
I got two of them, one had Evan and one had Hafer on it.
So this one-- - I stole it.
- I, no shit, take home every fucking night.
- It's on Ebay, it's on Ebay.
- This is a quality mug.
It's a quality mug, it looks like a Mayan made it,
it's that fine quality, really.
- It looks like Rocco's great-grandfather
spun this on a wheel.
- I appreciate that.
- That's why I have it.
- I do wanna, before we get to what Ross is drinking,
I just want to bring up his boots right now,
you know what I'm saying?
Those are some combat boots right there.
- Oh they've some combat, for sure.
- Who's Airborne in here?
Airborne, raise your hand!
(audience applauding)
- Here's the thing, so all you Airborne,
I served four tours in Olive Garden, I'll have you know.
(laughing)
I'll have you know, it was never-ending past week,
these motherfucking boots have seen war!
They've seen everything!
No, I'm kidding.
You know the funny story about these boots?
They looked super trendy in New York on a trip
and they were like oh, they're only $400.
And I was like only $400?
Well, I've got to have them, then.
I put the fucking boots on, I come out
and hang with these guys, and they're like
hey dude, those are like $15 boots
to jump out of a fucking plane.
And I was like what?
They were like yeah, they lied to you.
- They're in a fucking assorted bin at any surplus stores.
(laughs)
You just have to find two matching sizes.
- They literally say please buy my boots,
I just want to get the fuck out of the military.
- Welcome to the civilian world!
- Most of those stores are three boots for 15.
- Hey, look, fuck, give me their number, dude.
I'll have nine sets of boots for the rest of my life.
- I need to know what it is you're drinking.
- You'll have a couple of spares.
- I'm drinking Zima and jollies, jolly ranchers.
Jolly ranchers and Zimas.
God, I had to fucking crack open a Zima,
I was dying of thirst.
I love Zima, I want that on the record.
There's fucking Zima all over this goddamn place.
Zima fucking melts in the Denver heat.
- Official Zima.
- Take a swig, tell me what you think.
- I think it tastes like Smirnoff.
- It's something different.
It helps me drink more clearly,
takes a little of the--
- What the fuck does that even mean?
Drink more clearly?
- Are you getting paid?
- I should. - I feel like he got
sponsored by Zima.
- I swear you should get paid.
- You know what's funny?
I put up a fucking huge stink on Twitter,
like hey, I want Zima back, I want to fucking
party this summer, the 4th of July,
we got a lot of people coming over and I want Zima.
They sent me a thing back saying,
hey, we're gonna bring it back for a limited time.
- I love your face, I told that
motherfucker on Twitter, bro.
I was super tough on Twitter.
- 142 characters at a time, I was feared.
- You know how fucking scared he was?
- Who's drinking Zima now, motherfucker!
This guys is.
What are you drinking, Mat?
- I don't know, whiskey of some sort.
(audience cheers)
- Very descriptive.
- I really don't care, I just wanna get drunk.
- Is that available in paperback?
- I don't often drink stuff that's not Leadslingers,
but when I do, it has my name on it,
custom Jameson bottle.
- [Jarred Taylor] They made it for you?
- You're alternating sides.
- That's why I'm a big deal.
- When did they get a hold of you?
- Don't worry about how I build relationships.
Don't worry how I build relationships,
just know that there is a bottle that says
Mat best from the Jameson Distillery.
- This is crazy.
- Rocco, what are you drinking?
- We're here in Colorado, I thought I'd drink a local drink!
(audience cheering)
Cheers to y'all, cheers to y'all.
- Jarred, do we need to ask Jarred what he's drinking?
(audience cheering)
- I got a nice France press.
- Oh, boy.
- (laugh) France Press
It was literally, I wanna say, the fourth show.
- It's not what he's drinking,
how is he drinking it, though?
- Well, I'm drinking it out of a French press.
(laughs)
- I'm pretty sure he's already mumbling.
(laughing)
- You know how I drink, I just chug
and I'll spill it all over myself by 1:13.
After the sponsors, I'm already hammered.
Look, last time I had to get up
in the middle of the show to make a drink,
I don't want to have to get up this time,
so I made a foursome.
And then, that just took off.
It became a T-shirt, we sold custom France presses.
It became a thing, people were posing,
drinking with a French press.
Now, this is France Press Sundays
are what these guys kept tagging us in.
This is my second one, I said I'd do four.
(audience laughing) (laughing)
- The dad-bod dad-dick, there he is.
- Dad-bod dad-dick. - Dad-bod dad-dick.
- Hash-tag dad-bod dad-dick.
Who is driving Jarred home tonight, is what I wanna know?
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
- I would say I'm 60% right now.
I had a couple France presses,
but I'm not lost, still know what's going on.
- We had someone come backstage earlier
and they were like Jarred is Jarred in real life.
And we're like this, it's not a fucking act.
Everything on the podcast, this dude is.
He is a hotdog-eating, cum-fearing,
vodka-drinking motherfucker.
- [Ross Patterson] Yes, Yes, - Yeah, it's gross.
- I always make him throw up backstage
because it's like what if you put
cum in your mouth and (sucks teeth)
through your teeth and he almost vomited.
And later at the show, everybody
tries to make him throw up talking.
- No, I don't want that!
- [Ross Patterson] Why do you always have to shit
during the middle of the show?
(laughing)
What is it about this show that
you're like I need to dump out?
- I think it's the liquor.
- Jarred, you had two quick dump-outs tonight.
- Yeah.
- Two, you dumped out twice.
- Three.
- [Ross Patterson] Oh, come on!
- I did one at the exchange.
(laughing)
- Is that why you were gone?
We were visiting soldiers and you went in shat?
- Oh and I did some Qbs, number one.
- What's that?
- What's a QB?
- [Ross Patterson] What is it you like to call it
when you're getting a quick burger?
- The QB.
- It's usually five at a time.
- It's four or five QBs with a side of pizza.
I'm fucking starved, man.
I just need a fucking couple cheeseburgers.
- Fucking normal beer here.
- I was really looking at McDonald's,
but then I figured, with my luck,
I would fucking wolf down four cheeseburgers.
Fucking look, it's right there!
I already know what I want.
Oh, there's another McDonald's!
- Yep.
- My cheeseburger blood level is low.
I had half of a Subway sandwich,
so that was like a snack lunch.
(upbeat guitar music)
- Are we going to eat after this serving,
that's the question.
- Probably, but we need a load.
- I'll take one Whopper Jr..
- Okay, one Whopper Jr..
Pair of Jr.'s.
- A pair, you got four.
- What?
I feel like you guys are really
against spicing the sandwich right now.
(laugh)
- There's not enough fish in Colorado.
I'm sure it's right from the ocean--
- Listen, who wouldn't let me go
to Bayou Bob's the other night?
Can we find a good crawfish place?
- Not here, in the South, you can.
- Yeah, but I'm sure some place makes crawfish here.
- Crawfish in Denver?
We're nowhere near an Ocean.
I want a Sports Bar with wings, I've earned it.
- Bayou Bob's says they have a whole assortment of wings.
- I'm not going to fucking Bayou Bob's, man.
I wanna goddamn wing place.
- Bayou Bob's has wings, I just checked the menu.
- Great, that's an Uber ride away from where I'm going.
- They said a full assortment.
- Not going there.
- Just saying, an assortment of wings
generally means they have a lot.
I wanted Bayou Bob's.
- [Ross Patterson] Bayou Bob's? We're going to get wings.
- Yeah, but Bayou Bob's has all those wings.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're not going there.
- They have 18 different sauces,
why can't we go to Bayou Bob's, they have crayfish, too.
It's got 18 different sauces with wings.
They're known for their wings.
- They're not known for their wings.
- They are to, it said it.
Bayou Bob's is known for their shrimp po' boys.
- Yeah, you gotta watch him eat crawfish.
- You guys are gonna have fish and chips for dinner tonight.
- No, no, Mat, have you ever watched him eat?
We know this.
- Oh my God, it's like--
- It's fucking disgusting.
- When I just got two quality brats.
- Give it a bite, I wanna see you
put that thing in your mouth.
- Man, two brats in, can we go to Bayou Bob's now?
- Does anybody have food on them?
- Yeah, like a quick hotdog?
- I'm gonna put this on my knees
and this is what he looks like.
- [Audience Member] I have a pocket dog.
- You got a pocket dog? - You got a pocket dog?
- A pocket dog, nice.
- Do you have a hotdog?
- You got my cigar, what do you got, my wallet?
Did you put a hotdog in my pocket?
You put a hotdog in my pocket, that's weird.
- I'm gonna use that to fuck you, later.
- Some talk with their feelings like that, man.
- He'll snort it through his nose
and take it down to his belly.
- You don't taunt the whales, you don't
taunt the whales with fake food.
Have you seen Blackfish?
Look at this fucking guy, just running in 104 degree heat.
He's gonna die in about a half a block.
- I'm gonna die in a half a block
if I don't get a goddamn cheeseburger.
- [Jarred Patterson] Are you looking for
the best chicken wings in all of Denver?
Well, come on down to Bayou Bob's flavor of the South.
Bayou Bob's has over 18 assorted flavors for chicken wings.
Don't worry, you won't be able to find a seat
in this always-packed house of Bayou Bob's.
Our crime-free establishment prides ourselves
on the fact that we're the only ones
in Denver that can deep fry canned oysters.
As you can see here, Bob is explaining
to this guy in the hat, no one can
fuck with our chicken wings!
So come on down to Bayou Bob's flavor of the deep south.
By the way, whoever brought up the
Cosby jury earlier, as you know, was hung.
(audience laughing)
I don't need to keep doing that all night.
You could probably see through the pant leg.
It's probably like the Loch Ness monster
from that shot from out of space,
when it's coming up out of the water.
That's fine, it's fine by me.
- Is that your dick?
You're talking about your dick?
- Yeah, I'm talking about my dick.
But what I wanna know is there was
two people that said that he was
not guilty and fought for that hung jury.
Jarred, is there a celebrity that
you would let rape or kill, and who would that celebrity be?
- I already know, I already know.
It's Hilary Duff.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- Hey, he knew!
Hey, what's your name?
What's your name?
- Dude her recent photos are actually
pretty good, it's surprising. - What's your name, big guy?
- [Audience Member] Alan.
- Alan!
Alan knew the answer before he even said it.
- Yeah, Alan, dude.
- They're like oh, long time was her first time caller.
- I like the Duff!
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- Yes, she can't do nothing wrong.
She got engaged and she immediately went blow job.
That's fucking nice.
- She went what?
- How do you know that?
- Because it was in People Magazine!
- People Magazine showed the blow job.
- Who the fuck reads People Magazine?
- I don't know!
- A lot of people do. - You read that?
- Well, when Hilary's in it.
(audience laughing)
- So let me ask you, if she murdered somebody,
you'd still say not guilty?
Okay, if she murdered a family member,
would you still say not guilty?
- Immediate or extended?
(audience laughing)
- That's a question?
- I would say immediate, let's go immediate?
- Yeah.
(laughing) (crowd laughing)
- Well, what's the circumstance?
- It's a car, let's say it's a car
driving in a mall, and she's like
oh my God, she just fucking ran her down,
who is she running down?
- She could've been tired.
- Oh my God, she's not tired, they have
security cam footage, Michael Bay was shooting 4K,
we got the whole fucking thing.
Who would you want to see die, who is that?
- Well, I have to pick who I wanna see die?
- Yeah, you gotta pick. - I don't know.
- If she's gonna kill somebody,
I wanna take it to the end.
- Let's just say it's your aunt.
- My aunt? Yeah, that's fine.
- How did you fucking know!
You had sex with her.
- I don't know her.
- Yeah, you fucked her.
- How old is your aunt? - You fucked my aunt?
- I did not!
- I don't know, four-eyed. - I gave your mom
one car ride, that's it.
- You what?
- You knew that. - Oh yeah!
- How old is your aunt right now?
- Probably 50.
- So, at 50, you're ready to let her go?
- That's fine.
- You're ready to Titanic her.
- But Hilary's got a long future ahead of her.
So wait, do I get to bang her if I get her off?
- Yes, you get to Casey Anthony her,
because you know the lawyer was fucking Casey Anthony.
- Listen, you're not getting anybody off
when you bang them, Jarred, let's be real.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- Funny.
- What about you, Rocco?
Is is The Rock?
- Yeah
- Oh, come on, come on.
- The Rock could pretty much kill almost anyone.
- We had a conversation about this--
- No, we should call him My Rock
because it's Vincent's Rock, so
it's My Rock, it's not The Rock.
- It's not The Rock, it's My Rock.
- It's like your pet rock.
- I like that, that's My Rock.
- So wait, if The Rock murdered somebody,
what would you do? - Dwayne Johnson.
- It's tough, man, if family,
he's going to jail, he's going to prison.
- Wow, you would send him?
- Yeah, but I would visit him a lot.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- Yeah because he'd be like hey, dude,
I had to, I had to.
- I had to, it's just right, but I love you, so I'm here.
- Would you hold your hand up Armageddon-style to the glass?
- Yeah, the whole thing.
(humming)
k I don't wanna close my eyes
- And then you go between the fingers.
k I don't wanna fall asleep
k 'Cause I'll miss you, baby
k And I don't wanna miss a thing
(audience applauding) Would you let him jack off
against the glass, yes or no?
- Yes.
- Wait, is that gay if a dude blasts
on glass in front of you?
- No because it's glass there.
- I've done it in the shower.
- To a dude?
- No, not with a dude, I don't know what I'm talking about.
(laughing)
- So what's the highest crime you
would let The Rock get away with it?
- He can murder people, but for the right reasons.
- Okay, so what's the right reason to murder somebody?
- If he's murdering bad dudes, like shit heads, assholes.
- Like Dexter-style shit?
- Yeah!
(audience applauding)
- I guess like a chomo or something?
- Yeah, he's free. - Oh yeah, go for the chomos.
- Go do more.
- What about you, Mat? Who's your guy?
- Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- Oh, God, of course.
So if he murdered somebody, what would
his getaway vehicle be?
- Come on, get to the chopper!
I'll be his TC, man, I'll ride that fucking
thing to the mountains with him, man.
- I like that guy.
- I would think--
- He is the American dream.
He's an immigrant who came--
- Schwarzenegger's getaway vehicle would be a Dodge Stratus.
- Yeah, we would drink whiskey and eat steroids
together and I would be like what are you doing, bro?
- Fuck, that I get.
- I'm feeling a little lean, what's that shit you do,
I don't know.
- He's living the American dream.
- Yeah,he is.
- He got his maid pregnant and then,
the wife stayed with him.
- For a long time.
- That kid's grown up, too, he's like 30.
He looks like a 30 year old man.
- He looks like Arnold.
- Yeah, he does.
- That's awesome.
- But he's from Austria, so he could just
say I thought it was you.
- I thought this was you, I did not know
the complications of the vagina.
I see the vagina was very nice and
I just...
- It was dark.
You had been tanning.
- Ross, who's yours?
- Yeah, who the fuck is yours?
- I think, man after like careful thought,
I think I'd go McConaughey on this one.
(laughter)
- How did I kinda know that?
- Macaulay Culkin?
- Macaulay Culkin!
(laughter)
- Macaulay Culkin!
- Oh, that's what I thought I heard.
- No, you can leave him home alone.
He's already killed people.
(laughter)
He's already killed people on Christmas.
- I see what you did there.
That was brilliant.
- He's already killed people on Christmas,
with paint cans and shit.
I'm talking about Matthew McConaughey.
- Oh wow.
- I'd let McConaughey kill me.
Yeah, alright, alright, alright.
- Why am I the only one with a female?
- I don't know.
- Wait, who's Evans?
- Uh, I think I'd have to go with the guy
that killed my arch nemesis, back in the future,
H.W. Bush.
- Wow!
(booing)
- Bush senior.
- The last American president.
- Why Bush senior?
- Yeah, elaborate, please.
- C'mon man!
Bush senior, he's the last American president.
He's the guy that like,
was downed in World War two,
he's a fighter pilot,
he's a fuckin' legit dude.
- No!
- The one term-er, the slapstick one term-er.
- Yeah, the one term-er, that's who I'd love, right there.
He's in his hospital bed in Texas,
we gotta at least respect it.
- How old is he right now?
- He's like 100.
- He's old.
He's old as shit.
- He just goes straight politics every time.
- Well if he's old, fuck it, he can kill people.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Fuck yeah, he's old, he deserves it, he can have it.
- Who would you let him kill?
- Ya know, anybody outside of the immediate family.
- So like an aunt or an uncle you'd be down to kill?
- Yeah, they've lived long, happy lives man.
- Hey Heather, less selfies, more tits, alright?
- Yeah, Heather, are you just taking selfies over there?
Just take a picture of your tits and send those out.
- So I have a thing that we wanna do.
it's about promoting a razor company,
and we don't own the company,
we just make fake commercials for people,
and I wanna do a bit with
Jack Mandivale in the pink wig over there,
that just says,
"Are you tired of your tranny girlfriend having stubble?
Well, Bic razors cleans the facial hair right up."
- It's like getting blown from a girl.
- Straightrazors.com
- Go to straightrazors.com for Jack Mandivale.
You've never looked prettier tonight, Jack.
(crowd whistling)
- Wow.
The crowd is liquored up,
people are screaming for more titties.
- I fuckin' love it!
Whoo!
- Let's take a fucking cheers.
- Cheers guys, let's do it.
- This show is pretty much like a Panama City Beach
party in 1997.
- Cheers, cheers, cheers.
- I just realized that my uncle
molested me when I was 28.
(laughing)
My late 20's were a tough time for me man.
- At least you found out early in life.
(laughing)
- So Jared, let me ask you about your favorite episode.
- What's your favorite episode
we've ever done on Drinkin' Bros?
- Our show?
- Yes.
- Huma-dog.
- Huma-dog is your favorite?
- Yeah, because that was the bare mish one with him.
- The bear is the only animal that will
actually get on top if you fuck it.
- What? - What?
- It lets you get on top?
Like what do you mean, missionary?
- The bear will get on top.
- Bear missionary?
(laughing)
- This isn't real.
- You're a liar.
- No, I only do bear missionary.
Are you naked?
No, it's literally a grizzly bear riding my dick.
- No, the bear, dude, you'd get your hips crushed, bro.
- No, I mean they're not that crazy.
- I locked up, and like
laughed and cried on the floor.
- That was one of the funniest ones we've done.
- Yeah and we were in the garage, so it was hot,
we were all sweating.
- How many of you heard the Huma-Dog episode?
(cheering)
- So you know, you know.
- The thing of, if you could turn your dog into a woman,
that still has...
- What the fuck are you guys talking about?
- No, its just like, when you wanted to,
you'd snap your fingers, your dog would be a hot chick
but it'd still be dog brains.
- Oh my God, no.
- Would you fuck it?
(laughing)
- No!
(laughing)
- Essentially it's technology that I've been
investing a lot of money in.
We're close, so far, we've
just made Top Ramen, but we're getting there.
- You've got the best scientists on it,
Gary Busey's on the team.
- Gary Busey is our lead scientist,
Ron Jeremy is helping.
- Imagine when you turn that dog back,
and how fucked up they're going to think like,
what was that?
- No, the dog's just gonna be like,
that was awesome.
(laughing)
- Can I have some jerky?
- You're going straight to hell.
- If you're fucking your human dog though,
you're gonna give her pizza and fuckin' steak,
so she's gonna like that you feed her a lot.
- No, there's no way you're trying to justify this
right now.
- It's your dog.
- Hey you guys, if you would fuck a huma-dog say yes!
(cheering)
- You're liars, you're liars.
- Everybody with a wife in here was like
(grumbles)
- Yeah
- And if I brought your dogs in here right now,
you would not fuck your dog.
You really would not do it.
- If it turned to a human.
- Like, it's a real person.
It's just got dog brains.
(laughing)
- Oh my gosh.
- This is one of the worst things that
we've ever talked about.
- I can't even believe this came out of your mouth.
Like as a sentence from a person that I know.
- Our biggest concern is that we're tying to avoid
the flip, in mid fuck.
(laughing)
- I just wanna see the memes, like
y'all mother fuckers need Jesus.
(laughing)
- It always goes so dark,
just so dark.
- There's lights on when you're fucking
a huma-dog.
- You're doin' her missionary,
she just keeps lickin'.
- Oh my, stop.
- Oh Jared Taylor.
- Rocco, let's get to you.
Rocco, what was your favorite episode?
- Ah man, the huma-dog's got me.
One of my favorite episodes was
BJ Penn and Cabbage.
- That was really cool.
- Good episode.
- Just by chance, they were in the area,
we had a friend of a friend who knew who they were.
They pulled up to the garage,
where we originally started our podcast,
and there he was BJ Penn and Cabbage.
Those were two of the biggest names in MMA,
and I'm talking back in the day MMA.
- Has this been gone on line at all that
you're gonna be fighting in UFC?
- Oh no, this is my first interview since they
announced it yesterday.
- That's what I was saying,
I was like wait, wait, wait, wait.
I have not heard that so the fact
that you're saying this right now.
- We just popped your cherry dude.
- Now I've gotta stand here awhile
'cause I got a wet spot.
- We were able to interview BJ Penn,
on his first interview,
coming back out of retirement to the UFC.
And so for me, that was amazing man,
that was one of my favorite episodes.
- Yeah, you were super stoked, actually.
- Dude, yeah!
BJ Penn, dude, we hung out with BJ Penn, bro.
It was wild.
- Bro, my cheeks are sore from smiling
'cause this is fuckin' weird dude.
(laughing)
Never in a million years I thought I'd be sitting
in a room with these two fuckin' studs, dude.
It's dope.
If you listen to that episode, you'll hear me
really go in depth on the fight world
and what I thought most fight fans would
wanna hear from BJ Penn and his first interview
back from retirement for the UFC.
Why did you decide to come back to fighting?
Just curious about that.
- You know what, I see people older than me in there,
and I was sitting on the couch,
I was doing nothing and I was like,
fuck man, these guys are in here,
what fuckin' excuse do I have?
I gotta get up.
I gotta get up if I got two hands and two legs
I better get to work.
- That was the night I got in a fight with Leo Jenkins.
- Oh my God.
- That's right.
- I was in the middle of that one.
- You got in a fist fight with Leroy Jenkins.
- Leo Jenkins.
- Leo Jenkins, so that was an amazing night.
It was a wild night.
- He got black out, he got black out.
He woke up, no clue.
Everything's scraped up on him,
he's like, "What the fuck did I do?"
You fought Rocco!
- Yeah.
- He goes, "Oh no."
(laughing)
- Cause for a lot of you, by the way,
when we have guests on the show,
they come on and they get super fucked up.
'Cause they're not used to it.
So, yeah, they'll try to fight Rocco,
they'll drive Jared all god damned night.
- Who Uber?
- The Uber drives you around for you invite him
in for pizza you
weird, fat fuck.
- He's the only guy I know that invites
his Uber driver in to play video games and eat pizza.
- Shut up!
- Every single time.
- If there could be a fuckin', like a thumbnail
for how to do a grinder account, it's
I invite my Uber driver in.
- It's the gayest thing I've ever heard.
- Name a city in the U.S.
I know a guy that can get you a ride.
- Oh boy.
- That's disgusting. - Yeah you do.
- What about you, Matt?
What do we got, favorite episode.
- I'm gonna have to go with episode 100.
- Oooh!
- Y'all know that one, right?
- To the kids listening at home,
we didn't lie to ya,
we didn't cock tease ya the whole time.
We have two strangers who have never met before,
who are gonna have sex live on our podcast.
I was with my beautiful fiance now,
so she, second time we'd met.
- That was the second time?
- Yeah.
She walks in, I'm like, "Hey, we're doing a podcast,
upstairs, two people are fucking,
and we're going to record it."
I was like, "Are you cool?"
And she's like, "Well, you're not gonna jump in,
so I'll be downstairs."
And I was like, "Well this chick is fuckin' awesome."
- The girl is sitting in the living room, Indian style,
reading a book, like,
we're about to take her upstairs,
she's gonna get banged, we're all gonna watch.
- She was eating curry.
(laughing)
- I was making coffee in the basement, I'm not there,
I'm just making coffee on the stove,
hanging out with Noel,
just like, "Yeah, there's people having sex."
I didn't go upstairs,
it didn't really feel like my place, ya know?
To go upstairs and watch two people having sex.
- That is a lot of dick.
(laughing)
- I can't even see, so.
- I was not expecting that.
- You guys are allowed to laugh.
- No laughing over there.
- Let us laugh.
- Can you just grab that guy's cock for me?
- It was large, and he did a good job
keeping it rock hard.
- It was two and a half hours.
- Two and half hours of two strangers fuckin'.
- Edited down to, what, under 20 minutes?
- Archer had a bag of something he wouldn't show us.
And he prepped,
so he's doing something to keep it strong,
but outta the fear of it all,
he went soft for a little bit,
and it took a minute to get back.
It was intimidating shit!
- He lost his full erection 'cause of the confusion
of us and everything,
but I think he's back.
- It's a lot to look at four men in the eyes.
(laughing)
- That is true.
He had to look us in the eye.
- Surprisingly, he wasn't nervous,
it seemed like another day at the
fuckin' office for that guy.
- I'm sweating.
I'm nervous.
- Look at you, you're red, you're red as shit right now.
- I'm not, this feels normal to me, completely.
- Yes.
- One of the most uncomfortable things I've ever
done in my entire life,
I was uncomfortable,
I didn't even know what to say,
I had no words for it.
- I'm actually lookin' through my phone so I
don't feel as weird.
- I know, Rocco, I'm gonna say,
you were the most nervous out of everybody.
- I know, hands down.
- Why is that?
- I don't know, I feel like, I feel bad for them,
like I know they're nervous so I feel bad for them.
- Wow.
- It's like that moment where he looks, its like,
"Hey, you guys don't mind if I don't cum right?
You're not gonna like judge me for not cumming again?"
It was a really, really fucked up episode and...
- I believe it was seven to three,
he went three times, she went seven.
- Really, it was a crazy ratio.
But the weird thing is, another man
looking you in the eyes with a rock hard dick
saying, "I don't think I can cum again."
Easily like the lowest moment in my life.
- Ross is over the bed, like, like
alright, he's now got her reverse doggy-style,
he's holding the mic like,
"Oh, god, I mean it feels good."
- It went from a light fingering
- Right.
- To, now he's going from behind,
it's right in front of us.
I'm gonna be honest with you,
both of them, extremely attractive couple.
- Yeah.
- When they did episode 100,
I said, "This isn't how you're gonna live your life."
- So he just went for the magnum and obviously
he needed it.
(laughing)
- This isn't the way that you're
going to support your family.
- We have insertion.
We have full penetration.
- I think that's what I said.
- It's rare that you get to see two strangers
have sex in front of ya.
- Is it rare?
How rare is it, Ross?
- Boy!
It's when you throw the steak first on the grill,
and you realize it's not even lit.
That's how rare it is.
(laughing)
- J.T. obviously enjoyed it.
- Jared was crying, I remember you crying afterwards.
- Like tears of?
- Tears of sorrow, joy, there was something else too.
- Kinda like when his boner went down.
When they quit I was sad.
- Being a UFC announcer for live sex is insanely hard.
- We're two strangers.
- That should be a career.
- Yeah, and she was drinking coffee before hand,
I was like, "That's probably not a good idea."
(laughing)
- What if he goes for her butt?
- Look, we didn't say which hole he had to pick.
He could have picked any hole.
Luckily,
I know, I see you God damnit.
(laughing)
- Yeah, you guys here for the gang bang?
- We know.
We know Nika.
Shit's gonna get crazy in Nika's hotel tonight.
We get it.
- Evan Haver what was your favorite episode?
- Man, I'll tell you, it was just recently,
it was with Dale Dye.
It was fascinating.
- Oh it was so much fun.
That was the best.
- Mr. Dale Dye,
man, you've had an unbelievable career.
I'm looking at your IMDB right now,
it says 84 credits.
How many of those do you actually remember?
About two.
(laughing)
- Thirty years in Hollywood doing war movies,
and all the movies doing, you know,
I've watched and really loved.
Just that, one section on Saving Private Ryan,
orchestrating the beach landing they had,
with that many actors and the logistics.
- When it was finally over with,
I mean, Steven looked at me and went,
shrugged his shoulders and I went,
two thumbs up.
I mean I know we had it, it was just
an amazing moment, when you know
you've captured lighting in a bottle like that.
- Right.
It's amazing.
- He's so respectful,
(spits)
he's very articulate, he's intelligent,
and he's got this vast amount of experience,
it was amazing, it was super fucking cool.
- If you care about the nation understanding
who we are as the nation's professional warriors,
just to shine a little long, overdue light,
nice yawn, turd.
(laughing)
- There's the captain.
- Fucking Jared.
- He's getting me.
- J.T. over here, big yawn.
- I really wasn't tired.
- No, he was fuckin' sleepy,
he's like dozin' off.
- Jared's like,
(yawning)
- That was not me.
- Your stories of Vietnam bore me.
- Yeah.
- My fucking four tours in Vietnam are putting you to sleep.
I was in the Air Force.
- Sorry if I'm boring you.
- No!
I am captivated right now.
- Yeah.
- Nice yawn, turd.
(laughing)
- Oh my goodness, Jared, did you really do that?
- What's yours Ross?
- Man, my favorite episode was actually the first episode.
Pegging explained.
- Oh dude!
- There's a girl in L.A.,
who claims, again, this may or may not be true,
I don't know,
she's like, "I used to date Mike Piazza."
The famous catcher for the Dodgers,
(laughing)
and she was like, "Oh yeah, fuckin' peg all the time."
And I was like, "Wait, what?"
And then she went into the story of pegging
and that's when I had that moment of,
"Oh my God."
Pegging's a fuckin' thing and it's a thing.
- That was so ghetto!
- The audio was terrible.
- We had three different types of mics, we were
running into a fucking ghetto ass board,
we didn't know, we weren't recording multi-tracks.
- As if nothing has changed.
It's the same thing we do today.
- We haven't advanced at all.
- We went from the kitchen table,
to the garage.
To an actual studio now.
- Well, it's an office with equipment in it.
- Ross, there's people in here that probably don't know
what Pegging Explained was about.
- Sure.
- Oh, it's a strap on in the butt hole.
- Yeah, so if a guy takes a dildo in the ass,
he's getting pegged.
- What makes me mad is when that one dude at your unit
lets his wife do it, and then she tells all the
other wives and then you gotta hear if for like six months.
"Well Statterman did it."
- I hope that's not really his name.
- It takes a very specific type of guy
to enjoy this type of sexual behavior.
- It's Jack Mandivale, we can ease the subject matter.
But we'll get to that later.
- If you like, put your two,
one person is non circumcised, the other is,
the non circumcised person put their
foreskin over the other the other man's.
- I googled that, and it exists.
It's a tug,
and it's cumming in the other man's foreskin,
I've actually watched that before.
- Oh!
- It's real porn .
- I was like, "Hey! I think if we talk about an episode,
we should talk about a guy getting pegged,
and what that's like and would you do it?"
But every body got super drunk,
super trashed,
we had a fuckin' blast,
and it went for a long time.
God, I'm literally describing Nika's night tonight,
I'm sorry Nika.
That was my favorite episode by far.
- You know what's funny is that
actually led into too drunk to air,
and we didn't even air.
(groans)
- Man.
- I'm sitting in the living room, and I look over
and I go, "Jessica, my buddy's gonna come over
and he's gonna bring you a cheeseburger,
and he's gonna fuck you."
And she goes, "Well he better bring two!"
(laughing)
- Wow!
- I remember the too drunks to air.
- I hope we're too drunk to air tonight.
- Ah, we're drunk enough to air it.
Everybody, I think we had Derek Weida on,
do you guys know Derek Weida?
(cheering)
- She started sucking my dick in the theater,
and at that point I was recommitted.
- I'm watching Ku Fu Hustle,
I'm getting my dick sucked.
Yeah, 'cause it was right around the Top Gun episode.
- We had to just nix it.
- We had to delete the episode.
We got so fucked up,
it just kept rolling,
and we were like on hour three or four at this point.
And everybody started to talk about
their grossest sex story of all time,
but it got to a level of like,
oh my God, you're wearing a
fuckin' diaper and you made the girl change you.
- Every time you take a shit,
I'm goin' be there.
I'm goin' be inside your mama's kitchen,
doin' all the electrical wiring in that mother fucker.
(laughing)
- If you wanna ask any of us any questions,
let's come out to the crowd.
- Oh shit!
- In the back here, that is a strong
biker beard.
- Holy shit!
That dude's huge bro.
- He has a question about a hammer.
- Have you seen my hammer.
- I have to answer a question, not really ask a question.
The clone, it's completing the circuit,
it just makes sense.
(cheering)
- That's it right there!
- Can you imagine this guy suckin' his own dick?
- I'd pay to watch it!
I'd suck on a Capri Sun and watch it.
- It's a strong man competition on ESPN two.
- I already bought the URL, vikingporn.com.
I got you bro.
- My next question is, Mr. Rocco, Vince Vargas,
- Oh goodness.
- Ooh!
- How big is big as fuck, because,
(cheering)
- Damn son!
Damn!
- Nothin' but respect brother,
you're just huge as fuck.
(laughing)
- Hey guys,
John, Warfighter Tobacco.
- Oh we know who you are John.
- We know John.
- It's a fucked up one though.
Okay, so, it's been a very in depth conversation.
So, a million dollars a dick,
10 dicks, where do you stop?
(laughing)
- How many dicks?
How many dicks do you stop at?
At a million dollars a dick?
- Whoa, where are we getting these dicks?
Is it a homeless shelter?
Or is it a modeling agency?
We get the dicks from Haiti.
Before I got ass?
I'm goin' all day.
- We need to know what kind of dicks
we're dealing with here, it's really
a math equation.
- Is it a healthy dick?
- Off?
Like a subject?
- Jared, what is the cum to suck ratio?
Right, there's so many things.
Ah, according to John.
- Is it possible for me to suck two dicks at once?
- Your mom is here Matt.
- Is it possible for me to suck two dicks at once?
That's my question.
- Yeah, it's like work to rest ratios.
Yeah, and so if you can suck two dicks
at one time, and that's the ratio,
that's two million dollars for less work.
- Can I have friends with me sucking dicks
that also earn the money?
(laughing)
- It's teamwork, it's always teamwork with him.
- Yeah.
- It's always teamwork.
- That's a great question, how many,
how many dicks Jared, what do you got?
How many dicks on that one?
- Again, I need to know where we are.
- Haiti.
- You're in Haiti.
- You're in Haiti?
- Right after the earthquake.
- That's a whole lot of dicks bro.
- What's wrong with a Haiti dick you racist!
You're fuckin' racist.
Racist.
- Let's say organ.
- They had an earthquake, they are in need,
they will fuckin' suck dick for a million dollars.
- Let's say Portland.
- Nobody's fuckin' come back from the earthquake.
- Yeah, I know, I'd go all day.
'Cause their tiny and fuckin' weird.
- They got like curly cue mustashes.
- You'll get off quick, you're dumb.
- Oh boy!
- Cease fire, cease fire.
(laughing)
- I can't, I can't.
- Hey, Marah was like five, five dicks,
yes, we're good with five.
- She's like five dicks, five dicks.
Don't do four, do five dicks.
Five dicks.
- Just shut the dicks already, God damnit.
- It has to fit in your hands.
You can decide what's in your bank account,
based on how long you can stay awake.
- Ah, jeez,
I disagree, I think on a question like this,
Warfighter Tobacco, from warfightertobacco.com,
I think you have to ask your wife,
Jessie, how many dicks would you need me suck,
a million a piece, how many?
- Two!
- Elevan!
- Two!
- Two times!
- You wanna go through twice?
You want twenty million?
I gotta suck twenty dicks?
- She said she wants to watch.
- Wow!
- Listen guys, all you gotta do is take
a big fuckin' handful of mayonnaise,
throw it on the lips and just go.
- What?
- Twenty fuckin' dicks, Jessie.
- I hate chapping, it's the chapping.
- I hate they made me sit next to this guy.
- It helps with the chapping.
- It's got vinegar in it.
- Will you just drink some France Press?
- Ah, let's have a France Press for Jared,
there we go.
- Drink, drink, drink, drink!
- Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug!
(cheering)
- Oh boy!
- Someone's daughter is gettin' lucky tonight.
- This is gonna be one of those nights.
It's gonna be one of those nights.
Jared just downed a France Press,
I get to suck 20 dicks,
Nika, still, still, is talking about it.
- I didn't get any on the microphone.
- Just take your shirt off then, it's cool.
- Sumo!
- I need a drink.
k Take your pants off,
k Take your fuckin' pants off
- Dude, I don't do tanks.
- It's a U.S.A. cat Jared.
He's not fat,
like he really isn't fat.
It's all kind of a facade.
- Dude I look like a fucking cheese dick fratboy
with no personality.
- Dodie and Brodie said we're meeting
down at the fuckin' road bar for beers.
We're gonna fuckin' play beer pong all fuckin' day!
- This is something we've been missing this show.
- What is it? - What's that?
- Look, the five of us have been talking and that's nice.
- Super nice.
- But, I miss Evan's rants.
Evan's rants are my favorite.
(cheering)
If we could have a nice fireside chat,
yeah, there it is.
(cheering)
- So what kind of a rant do we want to hear tonight?
Political.
As you know, as you know, I'm a little bit political.
I don't know if you guys have heard that.
So what we're gonna talk about tonight is bureaucracy.
A little bit of bureaucracy.
Yeah, yeah, or beer-aucracy.
How 'bout that?
- That's a good kind.
- Yeah.
That's a good topic.
So, who here has a little bit
of understanding with the government?
(applause)
Yeah, a little bit, right?
So my government experience goes back to 1995,
I've got a little bit.
I mean the whole political establishment,
for 20 plus years,
I've dealt with this bureaucracy.
A little couple of stories I have,
just to emphasize this.
- These are amazing.
So, 2003, 2004, I'm sitting in Iraq,
I think it was on Najaf,
who's been to Iraq?
(cheering)
- Beautiful!
(laughing)
So, when I discovered that politicians
might be fuckin' retards,
it was right about 2004, roughly.
- Yeah!
- When Don Rumsfeld was coming on saying,
"Hey, these are just looters, it's not an insurgency."
I don't know if you guys felt those looters
in 2005, but them shits weren't looters.
We were sitting in a team house,
we were like, "Wait a minute, this is a fuckin'
full blown insurgency because that 762 by 39,
that just came wingin' at me,
that shit doesn't feel like somebody
that's tryin' to steal a lamp.
(laughter)
So we lost a little bit of credit in the political
institution, but I kept goin', right?
Kept goin' in my political, I guess,
hierarchy within the bureaucratic institution
of the agency in 2005.
So, fast forward just a little bit.
I'm in charge of this little program and
I take this discovery,
like I've got about 70 million dollars worth of shit.
They'd come in over the Pakistani border,
the lieutenant colonel in charge was like,
"Uh, don't worry about that. I'm not worried about that."
It kinda made me a little bit distrustful,
to begin with,
officers, I don't know if you guys,
any officers in the crowd?
- A little.
- There's like six.
- But like '06 or above.
Made me a little bit distrustful and
started questioning just a few
things that they had goin' on.
You guys just don't care about 70 million dollars?
Well, I care about 70 million dollars,
and I'm pretty sure the American public does, right?
So, from this, I go on a briefing,
General Petraeus, he was the
director of the agency at the time.
General Petraeus?
They asked me, they said,
"Hey, what's your assessment Evan of the post withdrawal
of American forces in Afghanistan?"
And I said,
"Oh this shit's gonna collapse like a fuckin' dying star.
(guitar chord)
And I just dropped the mic and walked out.
They thought, "Holy shit this dude has gotta like
wheel his fucking balls out in a wheel barrow."
Actually I just didn't give a shit at that time.
Ultimately, what I distill it down to
is when we come back to the American veteran and it's
irreverence with politicians,
is we have every fuckin' right to rant and rave
against the institution.
And what I really wanna talk about,
is what we need to do as a subculture,
is everybody talks about this fucking sub,
or this chair at the table, right,
they want us to like talk about veterans issues?
My issue is,
it's our fuckin' country,
so we need to fucking take it back.
(cheering)
Because, with all these fuckin' suit and tie
mother fuckers and these galas,
cruising around,
pullin' money out of the pockets of their donors,
what they don't know,
is the end result is one of us,
carrying a fuckin' saw in the helmet.
They don't fuckin' know that.
- You are absolutely fuckin' right!
- So what I would suggest,
is that Drinking Bros in general, just in general,
what we need to emphasize is community more than anything.
And the fact that we deserve that fuckin' place
at the table,
and more importantly,
push that fuckin' pencil dick out of the way,
sit down and fucking open your mouth.
(cheering)
- Yes!
- Shit!
- Jared Havel, ladies and gentlemen.
(cheering)
- We love his rants.
We love his fuckin' rants.
- Clapton and the clumsy sons.
It's a new band that we're forming.
- Yeah.
- I don't play instruments.
You're gonna have to play them all.
You gonna do the singing?
The vocals?
Now that I think about it,
you're gonna have to sing too.
- Lead choreographer.
- Thank you.
- We really, really, thank you for being here.
For Jack Mandivile,
Heather Lynn,
Matt Best,
Evan Hafer,
Vincent Vargas, A.K.A. Rocko,
Jared Taylor,
I am Ross Patterson,
we've got one more song for you.
One more oooh roo!
We've got one more song.
k We might be drunk
k We're sippin' on whiskey
k Now here we come
k We're ridin' dirty
k This must be fate
k Three words are for your face
k It's how I operate
k Wake up in the morning and I'm feeling kinda fresh
k Five pounds of bacon on my mother fuckin' chest
k Carpet stained pillows
k Hands smell like lead
k Under my mattress
k Gonna stay in my bed
k Loaded gun mattress
k Ready to blast
k Gosh its fat when I wipe my ass
k Drop kick with my speed ball bag
k Dress up in my tactical swag
k Losing my pocket down zero fuss
k Still I pull down my custom gun
k Even where we both can't see my first day
k Wait what
k Bitch I operate
k Bitch I oper-
k Chillin' at the wayfire rates sustained
k Lead showers
k When I make it rain
k C Clamp
k Like a mother fuckin' boss hog
k Got more patches that you
k On my damn dog
k Two in the mornin'
k Doing CQP
k Tip toein' down the hallway
k Shh!
k My wife might hear me!
- No you have six kids.
- You're fuckin' ridiculous.
- I know.
k It's a dream game online
k Especially we're gonna run these beach groovin' on my cock
k Got the whole crowd
k Yo we the best
k When I drop close
k They're always depressed
k People say haters gonna hate
k I'm just like
k Bitch I operate
k We might be crazy
k We might be drunk
k We're sippin' on whiskey
k Now here we come
k We're ridin' dirty
k This must be fate
k Two words for your face
k Bitch I operate
- I think people go back and forth and is like,
"What is your podcast, what does it stand for?"
And at the end of the day, it's family.
You see so many acts of kindness
throughout the years of Drinking Bros
that it's just fucking fantastic.
- Everybody's there, to truly help
one another out.
So, if you get a message from a Drinking Bro
or somebody puts it up on the page and says,
"I need help." , or so and so needs help,
people flood in to help everyone.
- It's the community that steps in when someone
has a flat tire and doesn't know anyone in the area.
- A girl that runs out of gas in fuckin' Wisconsin,
and she reaches out to the Wisconsin Drinking Bros,
one dude has a tow truck,
tows her fuckin' car home so she didn't have to
worry about the fuckin' 120 dollars it took to do that,
which means she can feed her family.
- It's a community that steps up and donates
whatever they potentially can to a serious cause.
One of our Drinking Bro's family member's death,
or a child being born who has medical conditions.
- There's a guy in Australia, his daughter
has a terminal illness.
He was doing a fundraiser, and we put
Gene Vandeham uniform up for auction,
and Journey Bros had 20 minutes, 6,500 dollars.
- I think within 24 hours we raised about 15,000 dollars
for him.
- I was like "Holy shit."
Like what we're doing kinda makes a difference.
- It can bring like minded individuals together,
even in hard times.
And it's really what it is.
We don't want people to go out there and drink alone.
There's a place for you now,
anywhere in the world,
essentially that you can find another drinkin' bro
that will sit there and have a beer with you
when you're havin' hard times.
(cheerful music)
- What are you guys scared of the most?
Hand grenades?
- No, that's easy.
- What do you guys think of the new station you're in?
- The place is awesome.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Well it's still in the Army.
- I was in a sniper platoon in 2007, 2008.
We lost quite a few guys,
it was a rough deployment in Iraq.
I was having rough times.
Rocco had actually given me his personal number.
He didn't know me from Adam and
he gave me his number to call him.
I'm actually almost done with college now.
I owe a lot of it to that one maybe 30 to 40
minute conversation with Rocco.
(dramatic music)
- I guess we didn't realize what we had.
And now you kinda know the gravity of what we can do
and the reach that we have,
is for me personally,
I kind of hold that to a higher standard.
- The reoccurring acts of kindness
is what defines Drinking Bros
and we can only hope to maintain that culture
and never stray from it.
- Drinking Bros man.
- Yeah.
- We'll rule the world one day.
- Little by little.
(upbeat music)
k I've traveled the world a couple times
k I've seen some shit and I've blurred some lines
k It's been hard but some's been fine
k I may be old and I may be mean
k My blood is red and my money's green
k But don't you dare touch my guns
k You can marry a rock
k You can marry a tree
k I can wear a dress and sit to pee
k You do your thing and I'll be me
k I don't care if you're straight or gay
k Identify as a dog for a day
k Just don't ever touch my guns
k Don't touch my guns
k Don't touch my guns.
- Do we have something?
Do we have something?
- There we go.
- Go strong, that's what bro.
- Matt, Matt, Matt, I should take this for you.
- No.
- I think I need a little bit.
- We have to take it away from Jared in order
for him to finish his show.
k Don't touch my guns
k I'll fuck you up
- If you had to, right, every dude
in the audience, if you had to right,
or they'd kill your family,
- You ain't fuckin' me.
(laughter)
(guitar chord)
(cheering)
- Ask a question.
- Ask it hurry.
- If you had to.
- Boy this is a lot of work.
On a scale of K-12,
what education level are you?
- Leo, say it, say it.
- If you had to, if you absolutely had to,
suck a dude's dick,
would you do it all good, or would you be like...
(laughter)
- Sit down!
Sit down!
(cheering)
- God.
- You know that part where it gets creepy?
That was that part.
- I apologize, that's my friend.
That's my boy, Leo!
- I have a field guy question.
Anything worth doin', is worth doin' right.
(cheering)
- Jared did you get a new France Press?
- That's my bad.
- Give me a sip of that France Press.
- Get it.
- Who was that guy who stood up and said we'd fuck him?
- Who was that guy who stood up?
- Who was that guy?
- Stand up.
- Is your hair gray?
- What the fuck is that dude?
- Is that a Navy Seal in the crowd?
(laughing)
- Pussy wearing Navy Seal cologne.
- You look like a skunk.
- I'm gonna be honest with you,
the bear chops on this guy,
would have saved DiCaprio in that fuckin' movie
where he got raped.
- Who is that?
- You skipped legs day, you always skip legs day.
- Benjamin.
(laughing)
- He didn't even know his own fucking name.
- Ah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- Benjamin.
You have a question, Benjamin?
(laughing)
- I can't take it.
- Oh my god, are you drunk?
- I dabbed and it's black label.
(laughing)
- I gotta be honest with you.
I like this whole fucking thing.
I like this whole fucking thing right now.
- My world is spinning.
- Yeah, you can fuckin' hug me dude.
Do you wanna come out tonight?
This is a safe space, look me in the eyes,
you can come out to me.
- I'll suck your dick.
- Look me in the eyes.
Look me in the eyes.
Fuck that shit.
I've had enough with the games.
I've had enough of the innuendo.
(crowd cheering)
- Oh my God.
(cheering)
- We got a question from a lady here,
we got a question from a lady.
Class it up a little.
- This is for Benjamin,
do they call you B.J. for short?
(laughing)
- Oh shit!
- Shit!
- That's wrap everyone, let's get outta here!